and seasons go.
I recall the location and time of a dinner conversation that we shared with a very seasoned believer and good friend/mentor to my husband. He spoke from personal experience because he had walked through many seasons. Some were seasons of rain and others were seasons of drought. In any case, he knew all about seasons coming and going and such is the case on this Christian journey.
In this season of jubilee, he forewarned me that even though we had certainly felt that we were in the center of God's will, we shouldn't expect the transition to come and go easily. In the back of my head, my eyes were rolling. God had done a miraculous thing, sign upon sign, and this guy was totally killing the moment. As I looked him in the eyes, engaged in this somewhat of a "debbie downer" conversation, I wanted so desperately for words of hope to be spoken. Quite frankly, it wasn't a conversation I wanted to have in the middle of a sports bar, staring at sticky fingers and chicken wing residue.
Then, the next heavily loaded question came out of his mouth, "how's your book coming along?" My husband likes to share my secrets. Yes, I'm trying to write a book since my She Speaks encounter with a publisher left me hopeful that my story is one worth sharing. In all honesty, his question hit a cord; I just wanted to creep slowly out of my seat and slide gracefully right underneath the table.
Well, it's kind of come to a halt at the moment, sir.
To which he replied, "maybe this isn't the time to write your story, maybe it's something else."
The three year old that can rear her ugly head on the inside of me was ready to throw a royal fit, on the filthy floor, smack dab in the middle of everyone cheering for their favorite football team. At that point, I was willing to go back to the conversation that spent trying to prepare me for the tough days of transition ahead.
Well, here I am, just 45 days nestled in this new season, and the tears have hit me. Morning and night. What he spoke of is here. For the record, I did not feel like he was speaking a curse over me. He was preparing me for the attack of the enemy, and he was right.
I live in an amazing town ripe with opportunity--audacious authors, seasoned speakers, magical musicians (to which I am not...if you read my last post you know what I'm talking about)-- and the overwhelming weight of it has hit me. I feel like a minnow swimming in a sea full of mature fish. This town is rich. I mean that literally and figuratively. I'm starting over from scratch or so it feels like it. I left a season where God was giving me opportunities to do what I know He has called me to do and then everything changed, but I prayed His will be done, and here I sit.
Please hear my heart, I'm so grateful for the way God moved! I haven't shared it here, but if you ask me, I'll be glad to share with you as long as our conversation is over coffee. I'm so thankful to be here in TN. I LOVE it here!! Really. I do.
But the excitement of being here has worn off. I miss my former church, my pastor, my campus pastors, the people I got to serve alongside, the friends I was in Bible study with, early am workouts with a sweet friend, conversations about Jesus while I drank my java, MOPS and the beautiful mamas I got to know, and my spiritual mama & her amazing daughters who have been the best babysitters to my kiddos. I miss the familiar. Our free fall has physically landed us in TN, my husband has landed his dream job with Ramsey Solutions, my kiddos love their new schools, but I feel like I'm still free falling-- unsure of when my landing will come.
I thought I had gotten all my tears out, but tonight at dinner, it was tough. Bear had his first really bad day at school. So much so that he refused to get on his bus to head home, so I got a call to come get him. I thought, NOT TODAY, Satan. You may come at me giving it all you got but you will not touch my husband and certainly not my babies.
As we sat around the dinner table discussing where we were all at as a family, my kids saw my sadness, and next thing you know, my 3-year-old-mini-me starts singing:
You say I am loved when I can’t feel a thing You say I am strong when I think I am weak You say I am held when I am falling short When I don’t belong, oh You say that I am Yours And I believe, oh I believe, What You say of me, I believe.
Granted, Hartley Grace's lyrics weren't exactly on point, but enough that we knew what she was singing. I cupped my hands to my face and cried every last tear within me. Every moment of choosing worship music over worldly music, while riding in the car, paid dividends to me in that moment. As I glanced up, feeling the warmth of my husband's heavy hands back and forth across my back, he stated "how about that....it'll be a moment that you'll never forget." No truer words ever spoken. God used my precious daughter to speak words of life over me. Words to remind my weary soul that He is here wiping every tear, listening to every prayer, ready to exchange my heavy heart for an expectant, hopeful future.
If you are in your own free-falling journey let me leave you with one of my favorite quotes, "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God." -Corrie Ten Boom The take off and landing in each of our journeys can be beautifully brutal. The lift off can knock the wind out of you and the landing will having you looking wind blown and out of sorts. However, God is faithful to sustain us in the free fall and guides our feet where and when it's time to land. In the meantime, let's enjoy the free fall trusting our tomorrow's with the One whose already gone before us.
Here's to my most personal--realest and rawest post to date. Hopefully, you will come back next week.